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Sex therapist shares how to talk about sex with your partner

Sexy secrets


Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me… the song makes it sound so simple right? Many people really struggle to open up to even their closest confidants about sex and sexuality. For centuries sexuality has been hidden, privatised, and in many cases taboo. It’s no wonder we struggle to talk about sex with our partners.


Create a safe space for sexy talk


When you’re raising the topic of sex with your partner it’s critical to create a safe space for discussion. Try not to corner your partner and hit them up unexpectedly with all your questions and comments. Ask them if they’re comfortable to talk about it and give them time to consider their answer. If they are, set aside a special time to talk about sex when you’re both able to give it your full attention. When we prepare for a discussion on sex, we are more likely to engage in the discussion. Set ground rules for how the discussion will play out.


Talk about your wishes and desires


Rather than focussing on what’s lacking in the bedroom, try to focus more on what you would like to improve and add. Creating a space for positive exploration and giving consent to play can create some really sexy experiences. Be encouraging and acknowledge what is working between you both. Some couples will write down their sexual wish list and ask the other person to read it.


Take responsibility


Know that sex is between two people, not just for your partner to fix. A great sexual relationship is the responsibility of all parties within that relationship, not just the "under performer". If you’re the sexually confident one, you have the responsibility to support your partner’s needs and comfort. Showing your partner that you want to work on the sexual relationship as a team, rather than making it an individual problem, can really shift the conversation tone.


If you can’t get the conversation started at all, then sex therapy with a qualified sex therapist can support you to do so. We know from the research that couples that talk about sex, have better sex. So it’s important to develop a way for you and your partner to discuss sex through the course of your relationship.

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