Best Sex Positions to Reduce Painful Sex
Updated: 1 day ago
Painful sex can make something that should feel close, playful, and connecting feel tense instead. It can also create a loop: you expect pain, your body braces, and the next attempt becomes even harder.
The good news is that “trying new positions” does not have to mean acrobatics. When sex is painful, the best positions are usually the ones that give you control, support, slower pacing, and easier communication.
If you're struggling with painful sex you may wish to explore Sex Therapy with a qualified Sex Therapist. This guide covers gentle positions to try, how to warm your body up before changing things, and how to talk with your partner without blame or awkwardness. It is general information only, not medical advice. If pain is new, severe, ongoing, related to bleeding, or linked with pelvic, vulval, vaginal, penile, anal, or abdominal symptoms, book in with a GP, sexual health doctor, gynaecologist, urologist, or pelvic floor physiotherapist.
Painful sex is a signal, not something to push through
Pain during sex is common, but it is not something to ignore or “get used to”. It can come from many causes, including:
Vaginal dryness or not enough arousal time
Pelvic floor muscle tension
Endometriosis, fibroids, ovarian cysts, or other pelvic conditions
Vulvodynia or vestibulodynia
Menopause, breastfeeding, or hormonal changes
Irritation, infection, thrush, or skin conditions
Scar tissue after birth, surgery, or injury
Prostate, erection, foreskin, or penile pain
Anal fissures, haemorrhoids, or bowel-related pain
Stress, anxiety, trauma, or relationship strain
Pain can also show up because a position creates too much depth, pressure, friction, stretch, or muscle effort.
A simple rule helps: sex should not feel like something you must endure. If pain rises above mild discomfort, becomes sharp, burning, stabbing, or leaves you sore later, pause and change what you are doing.
A sex therapy approach often starts with taking performance pressure off the table and rebuilding pleasure, trust, and body awareness at a manageable pace.
How to warm your body up before trying new sex positions
New positions can feel exciting, but they also ask the body to move in unfamiliar ways. Warming up helps your muscles, nervous system, and arousal response get on the same page.
Start outside the bedroom if your body feels guarded
Tension does not vanish the moment sex begins. If the day has been stressful, your body may need a gentle transition.
Try:
A warm shower or bath
Slow breathing for a few minutes
Light stretching for hips, inner thighs, lower back, and glutes
A heat pack over the lower belly or lower back
A short walk together
Cuddling without any expectation that it must turn into sex
This is especially useful if pelvic floor tension is part of the pain. A clenched jaw, held breath, tucked pelvis, and tight belly can all travel down into the pelvic area.
Give arousal more time than you think you need
Arousal changes blood flow, lubrication, sensitivity, and muscle readiness. It is not just “foreplay”, it is part of comfortable sex.
Spend more time with activities that feel good and do not hurt. That might include kissing, touching, massage, external stimulation, oral sex, toys, or simply lying together skin-to-skin if that feels safe.
Use lubricant early, not only after friction starts. Water-based lube suits most people and works well with condoms and many toys. Silicone-based lube lasts longer, but should not be used with silicone toys unless the product says it is safe.
Agree on a stop signal before you begin
A stop signal can be a word, hand squeeze, or simple phrase such as “pause” or “change angle”.
This removes the pressure to explain everything in the moment. It also tells your partner that stopping is part of caring for each other, not a rejection.
The best sex positions to try when sex is painful
There is no single “best” position for everyone. The right choice depends on where the pain is, what movements trigger it, and what kind of touch feels good.
Use these as starting points. Go slowly, use pillows, and adjust depth, angle, pressure, and pace.
Position | Why it can help | Practical tip |
Side-by-side spooning | Usually allows slower movement and less weight on the body | Keep knees slightly bent and use a pillow between them if hips feel tight |
Modified missionary | Familiar and easy to adjust with pillows | Place a pillow under the hips only if it reduces pain, not because it “should” help |
Partner-on-top control position | The person experiencing pain can control depth, angle, and speed | Stay upright or lean forward, whichever feels more comfortable |
Seated face-to-face | Encourages closeness, slow rhythm, and easy eye contact | Try this on a firm chair, couch, or bed edge with feet supported |
External pleasure position | Removes pressure from penetration completely | Focus on hands, mouths, toys, grinding, or massage without a goal of penetration |
Side-by-side spooning keeps things slow
Spooning can reduce strain because both bodies are supported. It can also keep movement smaller, which helps if deeper penetration or thrusting triggers pain.
Try placing a pillow:
Under the top knee
Between both knees
Behind the lower back
Under the belly if lying on the side feels unsupported
This position can work well when tiredness, back pain, hip discomfort, or anxiety makes more active positions feel like too much.
Modified missionary can be gentle when pressure is managed
Missionary often gets dismissed as basic, but it can be one of the easiest positions to adjust. The key is to avoid letting one person’s body weight create pressure or pin the hips.
Make it gentler by:
Keeping the receiving partner’s legs less widely spread
Trying knees bent with feet on the bed
Using a pillow under the head, not only under the hips
Asking the top partner to support their own weight with arms or elbows
Keeping movement shallow and slow
If a pillow under the hips creates deeper pressure, remove it. Comfort matters more than any standard position advice.
Partner-on-top gives more control
When pain happens with penetration, control can make a major difference. Being on top often lets the person experiencing pain decide how much depth, movement, and pressure feels okay.
This position does not need to be vigorous. Small rocking movements may feel better than up-and-down movement. Holding still while focusing on kissing, breathing, or external stimulation can also be enough.
If knees or hips get sore, try:
Kneeling over the partner with pillows under the knees
Squatting only briefly, if comfortable
Leaning forward onto hands or forearms
Sitting more upright with support behind the back
Seated face-to-face supports communication
A seated position can feel intimate without needing big movement. It also makes it easier to talk, read facial expressions, and adjust quickly.
Try sitting on a firm couch, sturdy chair, or bed edge. Keep feet supported where possible. If penetration is involved, move slowly and use plenty of lubricant.
This can be especially useful when emotional safety matters as much as physical comfort. You can stay close, pause often, and check in without breaking the mood.
External pleasure positions take penetration off the agenda
If penetration hurts, sex can still be sex without it. Many couples find pleasure through:
Mutual masturbation
Oral sex
Vibrators or other toys
Grinding through underwear
Massage
Kissing and full-body touch
Erotic talk
Showering together
Taking penetration off the table for a while can reduce pressure and help the body relearn that intimacy can feel good.
Couples sex therapy can be especially helpful when one partner feels rejected, the other feels pressured, or both people have started avoiding sex because they are scared of pain or disappointment.
How to adjust any position so it hurts less
Instead of searching for a perfect position, learn how to modify the one you are already in.
Change depth before changing position
If pain happens with deep pressure, try shallower movement first. The receiving partner can guide with a hand on the partner’s hip, thigh, or lower belly.
Helpful phrases include:
“Stay there for a moment.”
“Not so deep.”
“Slower.”
“More to the left.”
“That angle is better.”
Short, clear instructions work best.
Reduce friction with lubricant and pauses
Friction can turn mild discomfort into burning or soreness. Add lubricant before you think you need it, and reapply without making it a big interruption.
A pause can be sensual. Stay close, kiss, breathe, touch externally, or change rhythm.
Support the joints, not just the genitals
Pain during sex is not always genital pain. Hips, knees, back, neck, shoulders, and wrists can all affect how relaxed the body feels.
Use pillows under knees, behind the back, or under the chest. Choose positions where neither person has to hold an uncomfortable plank, deep squat, or twist.
Keep breathing
Many people hold their breath when bracing for pain. That can tighten the pelvic floor and make discomfort worse.
Try slow exhales during entry, movement, or any intense sensation. If breathing becomes shallow, pause and reset.
How to tell your partner you want to try new sex positions
Talking about sex can feel vulnerable, especially if pain has already created tension. The aim is not to deliver a perfect speech. The aim is to make the conversation feel safe enough to keep having it.
Choose a low-pressure moment
Do not start the conversation mid-sex if you can avoid it. Pick a calm time when nobody is naked, rushed, or already feeling rejected.
You could say:
“I’d like us to talk about sex sometime this week. Nothing bad, I just want us to find ways for it to feel better and less pressured.”
That gives your partner time to show up thoughtfully.
Lead with closeness, not criticism
Pain can make both people sensitive. One person may worry they are “bad at sex”. The other may feel guilty, frustrated, or broken.
Try language that keeps you on the same team:
“I want to feel close to you, and I think we need to adjust a few things.”
“Some positions hurt me, but I’d like to explore what feels good.”
“Can we slow things down and try positions where I have more control?”
“I’m not saying no to sex. I’m saying I want sex that feels safe and pleasurable.”
Be specific about what you want to try
Vague feedback can leave your partner guessing. Specific requests are kinder.
For example:
“I’d like to try side-by-side because it feels less intense.”
“Can we use more pillows so my hips feel supported?”
“I want to start with touching and not decide in advance whether we’ll have penetration.”
“If I say pause, I need you to stop straight away and not take it personally.”
Make an experiment list together
Take pressure off by treating this as a shared experiment rather than a test.
Create three categories:
Green | Yellow | Red |
Feels good and safe | Maybe, but needs care | Not okay right now |
Green might include kissing, massage, spooning, or external touch. Yellow might include a position you want to try slowly. Red might include anything that has caused sharp pain, fear, or distress.
The list can change over time. That is the point.
When to get extra support
Gentle positions and better communication can help, but they are not a substitute for care when pain persists.
Seek support if:
Pain happens most times you have sex
Penetration feels impossible or frightening
You have bleeding, unusual discharge, fever, or pelvic pain
Pain began after birth, surgery, illness, or injury
You feel anxious, numb, panicked, or disconnected during sex
Your relationship is stuck in avoidance, pressure, or resentment
A GP can help rule out medical causes. A pelvic floor physio can assess muscle tension, scar tissue, nerve sensitivity, and movement patterns. A qualified sex therapist or couples therapist can help with fear, communication, desire differences, and rebuilding intimacy.
A gentler way to explore pleasure
The best sex positions when sex is painful are usually not the most adventurous ones. They are the ones that help the body feel supported and give both people room to communicate.
Start with warmth, time, lubricant, pillows, and clear stop signals. Try side-by-side, modified missionary, partner-on-top, seated face-to-face, or non-penetrative pleasure. Keep what works, leave what hurts, and treat every attempt as information rather than failure.
Good sex does not require pushing through pain. It starts with listening to the body, speaking honestly, and choosing pleasure that feels safe enough to enjoy.
